T. Allen Speaks™

Seconds of Pleasure: The Little Things

2011-10-10T06:34:00.000-07:00

Sitting in my office this morning in such deep thought I needed to stop and write it all down. I have Van Hunt playing "Seconds of Pleasure," a song off the movie soundtrack "Something New" starring Sanaa Lathan. It's a movie that I've been watching over the past few days as I reflect on love and intimacy. The movie is about a woman who is looking to find the perfect mate who falls within the list she has devised. However, she meets someone who is the exact opposite of her - she is suit and tie, he, completely bohemian. Although she tries to fight it, she realizes he is the one for her - the one to break her out of her world of rules and regulations - a landscape architect, the one who finally gets her to stop and smell the roses, literally.

T. ALLEN & KENYA McQUEEN

I am relating so much to this movie because I very much so feel like the main character, Kenya McQueen. She is career focused, extremely neat and organized, stuck within societal constructs, simply not realizing she is a prisoner of her own insecurities. A ball of anxious energy due to pressures of being a black woman executive, she is overwhelmed at always trying to prove herself to others who doubt her.

When she meets Brian, a landscape architect, on a blind date, she is alarmed at the extreme difference between the two of them, especially skin color. Although race is a primary focus in this movie, what stood out to me is how his differences are what pulled Kenya out of her box and helped her to relax and just be. He studied her a lot and saw her for who she was, and it made her uncomfortable. You see, there's nothing like meeting the one who actually "gets" you. It can be quite disorienting because all walls and boundaries no longer exist. The facade of having it all together is revealed, leaving nothing but a raw, pure you. After a break-up and sadness on her part, she realized that he was the one she truly loved. When she went after him, to find him and express her love, she told him, "I know you must think I'm combative, neurotic, picky... And maybe I am. But the weird thing is, I've never had to be anything but myself with you right from the beginning. And with you I feel like I can do anything, say anything, try anything. And that's the life I want. I want an adventure with you. You don't understand, we're suppose to be together."

FEEL MY PAIN

Audience, I felt like I was falling in love, and I completely blew it. For the first time in a long time, I had found someone I was able to completely be myself with, but I couldn't handle all that came with letting go and removing selfishness. Everything had to work within my rules of being, rather than just living and loving. Being absorbed with my own feelings and concerns, I wasn't able to be there for anyone but myself.

SECONDS OF PLEASURE - WHAT IT ALL MEANS

As Van Hunt strums the guitar, I can do nothing but rock in my seat and let the lyrics penetrate my spirit. "Seconds of Pleasure" is about taking moments to stop and observe the most minute aspects of life that make it worth living. It's the endearing kiss on the forehead, the lowered head and shy grin, the early morning affirmations, the gentle stroke of the neck, the laughter to keep from crying...it's the tears of regret that stream down the face of someone who fucked up. The little things that many don't realize are important until it's gone.

WORDS OF WISDOM

So if you take away anything from what I write today, know this: Be yourself, love hard and selflessly, let go of pettiness and appreciate the moment, and if possible, go back and make it right as Kenya did with Brian in the end because nothing's worse than living with "what if..." Who knows if I'll ever get back with my love. All I know is that from this day forward, I am going to take time to notice the little things and learn to be content. Now, that's living.

Waiting for Love Jones: A Revelation

2011-09-07T13:26:00.000-07:00

Listening to Lauren Hill's "Sweetest Thing," in the office has sparked thought about my life and love. You know, I've been watching the movie “Love Jones” over the past few days reflecting on life and the obstacles I've had to overcome in love.

LOVE JONES - MOVIE SYNOPSIS

"Darius Lovehall is a young black poet in Chicago who starts dating Nina Moseley, a beautiful and talented photographer. While trying to figure out if they've got a "love thing" or are just "kicking it," they hang out with their friend, talking about love and sex. Then Nina tests the strength of Darius' feelings and sets a chain of romantic complications into motion." Written by Jesse Garon

LOVE JONES' RELATION TO MY LIFE

I have been thinking about this movie for months because this summer I have gone through a break-up and have appeared back on the dating scene trying to find myself. At one time in my life, I felt like I had found my Love Jones because of the presence of an “urban renaissance woman," but I honestly don't think I've ever truly understood the concept.

Love Jones: "An Attraction for someone; you're feigning for them in every way...physically and mentally." - Urban Dictionary

In all this time, I never realized that I semi-embody the spirit of Darius Lovehall, and Nina Mosley is the composition of all the women who are and/or have ever been in my life. Nina represents that perfect match, the one who makes one feel complete. However, due to ego, not closing the chapters of old relationships, the love is lost…only to be reconnected later.

LOVES JONES FOR ME TODAY

Right now, it’s just me, myself, and I until Love Jones comes along, or until we find our way back to each other, and today, I realized something profound. A wise woman once told me to stop looking for myself in others. Every woman I have ever dated and/or have been in a relationship with embodies all that I look for in a perfect mate. All those qualities (and flaws) exist within me, and in order for me to feel complete, I must understand and embrace it. Single by choice. Quietly, patiently, waiting. Waiting for Love Jones.

"It is the color of light, the shape of sound high in the evergreens, It lies suspended in hills, a blue line in a red sky, I am looking a sound I am hearing the brightness of high bluffs and almond trees, I am tasting the wilderness of lakes rivers and streams caught in an angle in song. I’m remembering the water the glows in the dawn, the motion tumbled in earth, life hidden in mounds. I am dancing a bright beam of light. I am remembering...love." - Pinkie Gordon Lane (read by Nina Mosely in Love Jones)

Lexington: The Conclusion

2011-06-12T09:17:00.000-07:00

Sunday morning brings a sense of renewal and reality as I sit in my home office listening to the Brandy's "Acapella (Something Is Missing)." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ax2tXpeTPaI I guess it somewhat describes my emotions right now - I'm just here, existing. What a way to wake up! Lol. Some much on my mind yet nothing floating through this gray matter, while my heart is full of nostalgia and longing for a dramatic change.

SOMETHING'S MISSING
Have you ever been just tired? I mean, really tired - mentally and emotionally? That's where I am right now in my life. There is so many wonderful things going on in my life - beautiful home, companion, transportation, career and education, as well as a awesome support system, but something is missing. It's the vicious circle I keep encountering, and the only conclusion I keep coming up with is that it's time for me to go.

MY THOUGHTS ON HOME
I love Lexington, KY. It's my birthplace and the only place I know, but I have outgrown it. I should have left 4 years ago, but circumstances delayed that plan, and now I'm here realizing I have overstayed. There's nothing like hanging out at Thursday Night Live in Cheapside Park, various parades, community ventures, friendly smiles and nods (some genuine / some fake)... Hmmm... Lexington: the city of my happiest moments and most devastating tragedies mixed all into one. Some say that leaving is only running. I say that leaving is a fresh start. And I'm ready to go.

GOODBYES
As I prepare to make my exit, I want to thank everyone who has been a support through my growth and those who haven't. Both have been my driving force. Your encouragement and secret judgments have shown me who I really am (the good and bad), and I have learned from it all and will go above and beyond expectations. To those I love but hurt, I am sorry and hope to be given the opportunity to make it better. To my family and friends, this is not the end, only the beginning. As the summer winds down, I hope to be well on my way toward my plan of exit, and your continued love and support is just what I need for this transition.

A WORD OF ENCOURAGEMENT
No matter where you find yourself in life, never lose hope of a better day. I always live within the realm of possibility, and in keeping that mentality, there is ALWAYS hope. This is the force that keeps us alive. Believe, and if your method of living isn't producing positive results, it may be time to reconsider your life plan and direction. No matter what, you can. In my best T. Allen voice, "Encouraging myself: I can, I will, I am!!!"

Brandy - "Acapella (Something Is Missing)" - Lyrics
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ax2tXpeTPaI

Boom, clap! (x6)
Clap!

I'm feelin' such a vacancy, I don't feel whole (oh, oh)
Wish I can put my finger on it but I don't know what it is
Looked in every place I could see
Try'na to find the missing part of me
I can't explain this feeling (feeling)

Feels like I'm on a long journey going in circles
And I ain't even goin' nowhere
I'm lost in the middle of nowhere
Something is missing
Can somebody help me?
Something is missing
I'm missing a part of me
Something is missing
Show me what it is
Show me what's missing
Missing

Ooh ooh ooh ooh
Boom, clap! (x4)
Clap!

I'm in a dark room in a bad position
I'm lookin' for the light to restore my vision (vision)
Guess I'm walkin' blind, I keep falling down, I can't find my way
I can't explain this feeling

Feels like I'm on a long journey going in circles
And I ain't even going nowhere
I'm lost in the middle of nowhere
Something is missing
Can somebody help me?
Something is missing
I'm missing a part of me

[ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/acapella-lyrics-brandy.html ]

Something is missing
Show me what it is
Show me what's missing
Missing

Feels like I'm leavin' something behind
Can't think straight, something's on my mind
Can't pay attention, 'cause I'm oh so broke
Can't find the words, 'cause they all been spoke
The answer's got to be right in my face (oh, oh)
What I gotta do to fill this empty space? Ohh

Feels like I'm on a long journey going in circles (circles)
And I ain't even goin' nowhere
I'm lost in the middle of nowhere
Something is missing
Can somebody help me?
Something is missing
I'm missing a part of me
Something is missing (oh)
Show me what it is
Show me what it is

Feels like I'm on a long journey going in circles
And I ain't even going nowhere
I'm lost in the middle of nowhere
Something is missing
Can somebody help me?
Something is missing
I'm missing a part of me
Something is missing
Show me what it is
Show me what's missing

My Ignorance: An Ode to African-American History

2011-02-15T11:55:00.000-08:00

"Sometimes we refuse to see the obvious simply because we feel it doesn't pertain to us. Only when injustice or ignorance affects us do we take action and speak out," shaking my head as I thoughtfully said to myself while listening to hip-hop artist Wale's "Shades" featuring Chrisette Michele. Sadly, I never realized at that time that I was talking about myself...

Historical Context
The song addresses the separation that has existed between people of color since the days of slavery when the lighter complexioned slaves were positioned in the "big house" while the darker ones labored in the fields. Since the beginning, "light-skinned" people have been statistically receiving favoritism above the dark of their race. It's been said that the reason for this favoritism stems from having "white blood" which entitled then to more recognition. From the "Blue-Vein Societies" to the "brown paper bag test," this division has historically caused a rift within a race of people.

Wale's Message
It's clear that, as a composer, Wale was dealing with his personal demons in regards to the dark color of his skin and the benefits he felt light-skinned people had. However, he was also addressing how the media has perpetuated the divide - poisoning his mind as a youth to hate those who were lighter. With this bitterness, he confessed he:

Would intentionally hurt light-skinned girls he dated before they could hurt him.
Associated light-skinned as being a higher class
Wore wave caps to try and have "good hair" like the light-skinned brothas

Speaking from his past, he pulls the listener to the present by addressing the truth in his skewed perception of this color divide by questioning President Obama's ability to be a candidate if he were dark-skinned and acknowledging the rarity of dark-skinned women on television. But that wasn't his truth. His truth was the hook of the song that Chrisette so beautifully sang, "All my light skinned girls to my dark skin brothers
Shades doesn't matter, heart makes the lover - Boy you're so beautiful..."

My Ignorance

You know how you can sometimes find a song you like solely because of the beat and flow, rather than listening to the lyrics? I am guilty of that.from time to time, and this instance was one of them. In my car, I have a nice factory system with an additional 10" subwoofer encased in a glass box that gives a little bang. Scrolling through my mp3s, I stumbled onto Wale's track and was instantly drawn to it for the hard bass drum kick and snare pop that causes the body to rock. Little did I know that placing this song on repeat would open my eyes to another aspect of my heritage.

Listening to Wale talk about his experiences growing up, I found myself, as I know "others" do, wondering why he was so "angry" toward light-skinned people. I could not wrap my mind around the concept, especially if all black people were in the "same" social condition - locked out of the opportunities that "others" are afforded. Fortunately, I was able to keep an open mind and began to explore many of the issues Wale was saying by recalling music videos, television shows, movies, Corporate America's African-American leaders, album covers, products, academia, politicians, and MY OWN COMPLAINTS. He was right, but why had I been so closed to it, I couldn't understand - until I looked in the mirror.

Over the years, many have commented on my skin color by calling me "light-skinned" when I have always identified with being brown. However, over the past 4 years, I have started to notice me, especially as I take this journey toward being "natural" (without chemical relaxers to straighten my hair). I can see that my hair texture is not as Wale described his. Even with a short hair cut, I wouldn't have to use a wave cap, and I've never had to experience the humiliation of being called "blackie" or "nappy" as a child or as an adult. The reality was that I had overlooked my darker brothers and sisters because I didn't have to deal with yet another dimension of racism: the kind that comes from what I consider to be "my own people."

My Revelation?

That it's important to always "see" ALL people, acknowledge their struggles, and make them my struggles as I seek for social justice and to undo the miseducation of myself and others. I never want my darker brother or sister to ever resent me for living within my world of acceptance, my bubble of comfortability. I want to be the one to acknowledge the beauty of black skin, no matter the SHADE, no matter if I am the only voice. Readers, take time out to see others, learn about and come to understand their struggles, and join their fight to unveil others' eyes because in the end, it's all about humanitarianism and cultural competence. Happy African-American History Month!

T. Allen speaks.

"Don't Let Me Fall"

2011-01-05T13:33:00.000-08:00

While listening to B.o.B.'s "Don't Let Me Fall," I began to think about the changes that are happening in my life right now. I've been listening to this song for days now, but I didn't know why it has been on my heart until I looked up the lyrics.

Revelation
This song is all about the support needed in order to reach and stay at the top. Although self-sustainers, many of us need belief and support in order to continue this uphill climb to the top we call "goals." It's funny how the negativity pours when trying to take life to the next level. However, strength and perseverance should keep us moving. It should be comfort in knowing that we are able to do these things on our own - the ability to make our dreams manifest. But, at times, it doesn't happen without support.

Speaking Personally
Bobby Ray (B.o.B.) was singing and rapping to his fans. I'm writing to those I call friends and mentors. I am who I am because of the ones that lifted my arms and carried me when I was too weak to move forward. It's about encouragement, being a shoulder, and giving the occasional push when fear or fatigue tries to stop me. So, as I transcend...to the readers within my personal circle: DON'T LET ME FALL because above money, power, and success, having someone in my corner means the most.

T. Allen Speaks

The Next Level

2010-12-27T12:11:00.000-08:00

I woke up late this morning to watch T.D. Jakes' "Reposition Yourself: Life Without Limits," and I must say that a great point was made about stagnation. The theme circulated around realizing potential and making the right moves in order to succeed. We all, at some point in our lives, have become stagnate and for varying reasons, but the key is to recognize it and then move to the next level.

What causes this stagnation?
Fear - being afraid of failure, rejection...the UNKNOWN
Low Self-Esteem - not believing in ourselves
Ego - loving the attention of being the best where we are
Ignorance - asleep, unaware that we have stopped....COMPLACENCY

How did we get to this point?
By allowing the above to overtake our mentality, whether subconsciously or knowingly. We survive rather than live and take challenges and/or risks. Fear keeps us going to the same job we hate so much all because we are afraid to make a move. Our esteem can be that voice within that tells us, "No." Conversely, the idea of being #1 creates a false sense of security and superiority, while many of us are just existing without hope or hopelessness. Routine has overtaken us, and as long as danger doesn't seem to pose a threat, we don't really care one way or another.

The Next Level...How do we get there?
Everyone has their own path to take, whether its spiritual, academic, social, economic, or all of these. The choice is ours to make in order to determine what works for us. The primary concern is to identify when we as individuals or units are stagnate and in what way because that's the only way to know how to go to the next level.

For those who are fearful, don't be. Find the inner courage that I believe we all possess. You'll never know unless you try. My mother use to tell me that the only thing anyone can say is "No," and if so, keep it moving.

Low self-esteemers, boost yourself with a daily mantra. My personal mantra is "I can, I will, I AM," and it's proven to be one of the most positive and powerful forces in my life. Surround yourself with positively influential people and/or mentors, and model yourself after them, with your own personal touch for individuality.

My readers who live within ego, let it go. Nothing's worse than someone who loves themselves above all. Being the best can be a rewarding feeling, but nothing's greater than moving higher into an area that encourages more learning and growth. If you were able to be where you are presently, then you should have no troubles achieving the same on the next level.

And for all my "sleepers," WAKE-UP and educate yourself. Become self-aware, set some goals, and map several ways to achieve them. Progress starts with just one step forward.

My Conclusion
Today, I am inspired because I have recently made the decision to step out of my comfort zone to pursue the career I have been desiring for quite some time. By removing fear of a commute and change in environment, believing that, although this is a new career and my experience is limited, I WILL do an outstanding job, letting go of being the best in what I do in my current position, and awakening to the possibilities this career move will create, I am confident as I excel to the next level.

An interesting point that stood out in this DVD was the fact that T.D. Jakes was not just speaking about church. He was pointing out that we can't just exist in anticipation for the "afterlife" because we must LIVE in the meantime. Going to the next level is about making moves while being the best people we can possibly be - seeing more than just our present but preparing for our future. So, please join me into the New Year as we go to THE NEXT LEVEL.

T. Allen Speaks.

What We Say & What We Do vs. The Difference

2010-12-13T11:23:00.000-08:00

Sitting here listening to Bobby Valentino's new track "Words" - reflecting on the lyrics and applying them in a different manner in which Bobby V is. The main theme of this song deals with actions speaking louder than words, and this is the problem I'm addressing when it comes to those we care about. Today's thoughts stem from the lack of understanding of what neglect is all about, how we say one thing or come off one way, when in reality, we're lacking. Many of us are extremely guilty of it, but in our minds, we have a tendency to rationalize this fault or refuse to admit it.

What is neglect?
Neglect is when we disregard, give little attention to, leave undone or unattended for whatever reason and/or in varying increments.

How do we not realize we're being neglectful?
There are several reasons:

Pride - we feel that we got it all together, on the "come up" and whatever someone else has to say doesn't matter. We can trick ourselves into thinking we have no room for correction and/or perfection when, in actuality, we do. As in my previous post, delusions come in all forms and fashions, and being neglectful when we think we're excelling is a delusion. However, when someone tries to point out the neglect, we turn a def ear to as we justify ourselves, try to hide, or ignore the problem altogether as if it simply doesn't exist.
Ignorance - sometimes...we just don't know any better. There are aspects of our lives that we don't realize we're neglecting unless made aware.
Carelessness - throwing caution to the wind is the one of the worst things we can do. Just because it's not important to us doesn't mean that something or someone else won't be affected.

How can we rectify our neglect?
By simply becoming conscious of the above problems:

Pride - stop it. Pride comes just before the fall, and there is no room for it. If someone brings the neglect we may be causing to our attention, we should remove defensiveness (don't interrupt or argue), stop hiding (cutting ourselves off from social circles), or acting like the one addressing the problem is wrong.
Ignorance - the key is to be not only a listener but also an applicator once informed. Hopefully, people will understand that we may not have known better, and having a humble spirit when approached will lessen the tension.
Carelessness - start caring. Sometimes, it's not always about us. If we don't care about ourselves, what we do, or how we look, then others in our environment may be affected.

What if we know of someone who is being neglectful and want to approach them?
First, understand your position with them as a friend and/or associate. Assess the situation and determine severity - if it is necessary to place this relationship at risk by approaching. If you choose to proceed, be prepared for the above reactions and understand in what way the person is being neglectful because how you approach is contingent upon knowing them. Once you've approached them, leave it alone. There is only so much that can be followed up and said. If they are a person that strives for advancement, they'll listen - even if you get some of the above reactions, but if not, you must accept it and move on.

Conclusion
Neglect happens. Hell, at times, it's a part of our daily lives. The point is to recognize it before someone else does, and even if they do, do something about it. I personally know individuals who come off as if they are advancing to such a high degree but are really not. As a friend, I try to stand back and let them live their lives until I see the neglect affecting those that I love. Instead of fixing the problem, they become defensive, rationalize, and hide in an attempt to stay within their "own world." Sadly, in staying in their own world, the rest of the real world is looking in shaking its head in pity. True enough, life is not about meeting people's expectations but meeting one's own. However, for there to be a general consensus on a person's neglectful practices is an opportunity to step back, self-evaluate, and make changes. Nothing's more embarrassing than for someone to have to pull another aside and explain where they have been neglecting themselves or others.

To walk around thinking that our lives are exactly how it should be is just not so. A perfected life doesn't exist, and the sooner we realize this fact, the better. So, let's stop our neglectful ways and try to improve ourselves and the world around us.

T. Allen Speaks.

Disclaimer - I speak vaguely in this post in order to remove personal attacks and other innuendos. The point of this blog is to help us to see ourselves, not just one individual. Neglect can be with elderly, children, appearance, home, hygiene, education, and more.

Dismissed: A Love Poem

2010-12-09T11:29:00.000-08:00

Convenience I will not be

For you’ve hurt me, by initially blinding me to your truth.

The truth of who you are. The truth of who you’re not.

But it’s my fault because I forgot

Forgot who I am. Forgot who I’m not.

I’m not your blanket.

I’m not your safety zone

The one that comforts you when feeling alone

The one to pick up the pieces after listening to the same ass sad song.

It’s just wrong, and today -- I’m doing what shouldn’t have been prolonged…

I’m letting you go.

I’m letting you go so you’ll know my worth

This love for you I gave birth and now must abort

Goodbye baby.

Your contortions, distortions of why you were drawn to me, fled from me

Now, my heart bleeds, you see

But you can’t with closed eyes to “we”

So I’ma just let it be

I’ma dead that love, detox that drug that’s got me feening

Behead that dove, lock box those hugs for I’m weening

The removal of my passion

Fashioned by morale crashing

As I reminisce about that midnight touch, the thrust of our lust as short-lived

I give, I gave, sacrificed to be brave and step to you

But used I am, bruised godamn, but never again will I be your slave.

From the first time we kissed

To the last time you were missed

Right now, I’m no longer pissed but moving on.

A hard lesson for someone headstrong

But know this:

In my heart you’re officially dismissed.

T. Allen Speaks.

The Delusion vs. The Drive

2010-09-20T14:05:00.000-07:00

It's amazing how powerful the mind can be... Many don't give the mind the credit it deserves, especially when considering the effects it can have on your emotions or even your physical well-being. I have found my mind to be my best friend and biggest enemy, and others alike should take heed.Have you ever been under a delusion? They can come in so many forms, you may not realize you're under one now. I've found myself going through these mental hang-ups plenty of times, but the key was the overcoming.

The Beginning

I recall reaching my last semester in undergrad, carrying a full-time course schedule while working full-time for the same university. The previous semester had been full of ups and downs, and my mind began to tell me that I was tired. I knew that was impossible because all I ever did was sleep, but my body would crash at the end of the workday, and by the time I got home, I was spent. Towards the end of my last semester before graduating, I discovered I was failing EVERY SINGLE CLASS (except Gender Women's Studies), and I was at risk of not finishing on time. My companion had warned me of this impending doom, yet, I shrugged it off and continued to throw this last effort down the drain. Finally, as the big day approached, I went into hustle mode and began to pull my grades up and put in half an effort - enough just to make it through. As soon as graduation hit, I was energetic and ready to take on the world. I began to rally my FB friends as I launched my "I can, I will, I AM" campaign, and I started my career search. After several failed interviews, I began to complain and mentally shut down. Next thing I knew, my relationship was the worst thing I had encountered, my modern car with brand new rims needed to be traded in because it was raggedy, my beautiful 3-level house was a piece of crap, the new clothes and shoes I purchased in the spring were old and tired, the side projects that supplemented my income was too much of a task and not worth the money, and I just needed to let go of it all.

Spiraling out of control, I hit bottom emotionally, morally, and spiritually, and there was no one to blame but myself. All the things I felt needed to be removed from my life were being replace by substandards, but because my mind told me it was what I wanted, I went for it with little remorse. The cliche "idle hands are the devil's playground" became more apparent as I did less and hung out more - doing things I would have never done had I not been under mental delusion. As I was about to lose everything, I began to regain my focus. By staying at home, taking long walks, having time to clear my head and analyze the situation, I realized the root to this collapse of will to thrive was ATTACK & DISAPPOINTMENT.

The Understanding

The previous semester had been an extremely trying time for me. Being a person of tremendous zeal and energy, I was trying hard to excel in my career and income so that I could better serve my community and students. Being a person who has had to deal with numerous setbacks in life, I could not handle being rejected by my own people, especially due to association. What am I talking about? You see, the mind cannot take control of your essence if you remain consciously aware of what is going on around you. I wasn't. Instead, I walked around in the assumption that goodwill and fortune was sure to be given to me if my heart was pure and I demonstrated my abilities. However, sadistic intentions and vengeful tactics can hinder one's progress - that drive to go above and beyond their circumstances through perseverance - especially if those intentions and tactics have money and power behind them. Okay, so now, I'm about to take you on another level of my understanding of this situation...

In this long walk, as I nursed my aching heart and confusion, clarity and restoration began to take over. My actions were only symptoms of a larger problem that had been plaguing me for many years: The System. No, this is not a conspiracy theory; it's just a simple way of looking at myself in the whole scope of things. Although the product of a broken and corrupt system, I had claimed victim. Whew!!! That's heavy right there. I allowed my mind to fool me into thinking that I just simply COULD NOT. It has been a struggle for me all my life. This comes from not having mentors or family in a place to guide and harness the talents that I had always possessed.

My Life's Timeline

Elementary - I was selected for a gifted program called Quest, but because I had no formal training at home, I did not know how to conduct myself in that type of learning environment. They let me go and released me back into the regular classroom where my talents were lost.

Middle School - 7th grade: Behavioral problems kept me in trouble in the classrooms. Why? I was bored and also feeling I needed to prove myself to other students who didn't understand me. 8th grade: I began playing the violin without ever knowing how and won numerous awards and academic honors.

High School - Started out as an average student trying to find her way. Struggled between hanging with black or white students. Eventually, I left my true and diverse friends to hang with "my kind" as I allowed my mind to lead me to believe it was the best decision. Junior & Senior year: Advanced Placement student who received honors for KIRIS and KERA state testing. Senior year: 1st semester AP Senior English = B. 2nd semester Senior English = F. My mother was FINALLY informed that I was ranked as gifted according to statewide testing. In 12 years, I NEVER did an ounce of homework and still graduated top 30% of my senior class.

College - Dropped out 1st semester as I faded away in a classroom of over 600. The following year, the university began programs that helped to cater and nurture African-American students. By then, I was gone.

I returned to college approximately 3 years later feeling like it was my chance to start again. After obtaining an Associate in Arts degree then coming all the way to my final semester in completing my Bachelor of Arts, my mind told me that I couldn't go on any further because regardless of the achievement, someone or something was always be there to keep me from coming out of restrictive circumstances I had always existed in.

Clarity on that long walk... Mmmmm mmmmm mmmmm mmmmmmm...

What was my revelation?

It was never "the system," although the system did fail me. It was my mind, the delusion I allowed to overpower my body and soul. Because I believed I couldn't, I didn't. Some people speak of the flesh, but the flesh is nothing without the mind, and if your mind can overtake you, then there the problem lies. You see, the system is going to be in place; for how long, I don't know. The solution is pushing beyond it. It has limited means of hindrance in this regard.

This blog is not to say that sometimes in life, there aren't situations that just knock us off our feet. I would never feed you that kind of bull because it's simply not true. What I am saying is that when your mind becomes tired and delusional, it can affect everything you have ever stood for or desired. The mind can make a rested person tired, a healthy person sick, or a brilliantly gifted woman mentally shut down. Readers, notice the signs, dig deep to find its roots, and don't give up; don't let the delusion steal your drive.

Delusional: a persistent false psychotic belief regarding the self or persons or objects outside the self that is maintained despite indisputable evidence to the contrary; also : the abnormal state marked by such beliefs... (Merriam-Webster)

T. Allen Speaks.

Pursuit & Withdrawal of the High: Love

2010-09-14T11:04:00.000-07:00

Right now, I'm listening to Eric Robeson's "Still" thinking of the topic of Love and it's side-affects. Today, I'm feeling a little better after a few days of inner turmoil and struggle. You see, I've been dealing with some personal issues that seem to always find it's way to this screen. I don't know, perhaps what I'm going through, someone else can identify with it, and just maybe, we can find a solution together, or if nothing at all - just relate.

Love FAQs
1. Do we really know what it is, especially when it's staring us in the face? 2. Is it a boxed term that we place time limits and restrictions on? 3. If so, why? 4. When you're feeling whatever you're feeling, and it feels good, why do we fight it? 5. Push it away, and tell it NO? 6. I think it's because we don't really understand it in it's true concept, or do we?

We have given it definition rather than allowing it to be a free, cognitive, intuitive emotion/feeling/spirit. 7. Why can't we just let Love be?

A Philosophical Approach - The High
Because it hurts like hell when you lose it. It's euphoric magnetism takes us to places where logic and reason don't exist, and we get lost in its high... The nights of passionate kisses, sensual intimacy, long walks, intense stares, back seats of cars, midnight wake-ups, soft touches, political/controversial/funny conversations, extended lunches - the times when nothing and no one else exists but that Love. Have you ever been on a dance floor dancing with that Love, the crowd is fat, music hyped, but it's as if you and your Love are the only ones in the room? When your body's in tuned with Love, you can see Love across the room and physically react (you catch my drift). While under Love's spell, we overlook the reality of situations: finances, cheating, education, social status, the Ex-Factor, true compatibility, etc. - problems that brew below the surface. Once you come up for air, reality sets in, and somewhere along the way, that Love is gone...

Harsh, Cold Reality - The Withdrawal
Without that Love, food just doesn't taste the same, your smiles and laughs become facades, and every time you come across a place, smell, sounds, and/or anything that reminds you of Love, your heart hurts. It feels like someone died, and it's hard to move on with the rest of your life knowing Love won't be a part of it. Love is so strong that it lingers into new relationships, not allowing you to give to the next. This is why people build up so many walls and continually push Love away. It's amazing how something so beautiful and addicting can be so scary and allusive all at the same time.

After All That...Questions Remain
Who would want Love when it hurts so badly once it's gone? We say Love is good, but after truly analyzing it's affects, is it really?

Written by A Reformed Addict

Confessions of a Playa

2010-09-10T11:43:00.000-07:00

Sitting at my desk listening to Musiq Soulchild's "Halfcrazy" feeling it myself as I reflect on the past few weeks of roller-coaster emotions and feelings. Nothing can really describe my mindframe right now because I'm hurting, confused, yet relieved all in one thought. You see, many find themselves in a place no one should ever venture, but it's all about living and learning - even if it's the hard way. Infidelity's a bitch, so is Karma, and no one can tell you about the experience like a playa can.

What are the signs?

Appearance Changes
Hanging Out Increases
Less Affectionate
Those that know avoid you
Lying
Social Media Messages
Texting (odd hours, frequently, and erasing)
Change of passwords and locks

A cocktail of liquor and insecurity is all that's needed when infidelity comes into play. Your body's numb, and so are your emotions, and that small voice in the back of your mind is drowned out by lust and curiosity - sending you into a downward spiral of lying and cheating, but the question is why? There are varying reasons why a playa plays. Control, low self-esteem, boredom, and not being satisfied are some explanations, but, regardless of the factor, one factor remains consistent: in the end someone gets hurt.

How did I find myself in this type of situation?
When you've been in bad relationships, especially when you're new to the game, your emotions on your sleeves, love written all over your face, and heart wide open, you become susceptible to those who cause damage in one way or another. When I first got into "the game," my exes would continually cheat on me. I found myself in a new relationship with someone I really could have had a future with, and my ex guilted me into a short-term affair resulting in my current leaving me. I was so devastated that I lost over 50lbs and went into a serious depression. At the time, my best-friend and (what I thought) mentor took me under her wing and taught me how to play the game. I would cry, and while my heart was raw and mind vulnerable, she would talk to me about always being strategic and one step ahead of anyone that could potentially hurt me. It wasn't her that caused distrust; it was those who hurt me over and over again - the catalysts that brought me to the place were I would allow in the poison she fed me . Since then, I have never fully committed to anyone - even in a monogamous situation.

Why am I revealing the secret inner workings of my mind?
Because my hope is to expose it in order to destroy it. To hear the midnight sobs of your companion as they try to deal with the fact that you're leaving them for someone else, or to watch them dwindle away as they lose the same weight you lost when you had your first heartbreak, is more than one person can deal with. This is a playa's inner struggle to break free from the mental defense mechanisms built up as protection, now turned vicious as it grows into unrecognizable malicious intent, hidden behind pretty brown eyes, long hair, a charismatic personality, full hips and ass. That's what I'm starting to see in the mirror, and I don't like it.

What is my confession?
I have never been faithful until now, and today is the first day of the rest of my life.

T. Allen speaks.

To Thine Ownself...

2008-11-24T11:32:00.001-08:00

Hello everyone, and welcome to another segment of "Speaking Out! Blog." I don't do a lot of blogging these days, especially considering my social, school, and work schedule. However, I thought I'd share something with you in regards to being true.

Many people have a tendency to go through life without ever really revealing who they are. From past deeds to sexuality, the world forces individuals to shield themselves from the harsh judgments that so often become a daily part of existence. These judgments prevent others from being true to who and what they are, and it can become an emotionally crippling way to cause conformity.

Today, I had a conversation with someone I consider to be, not only a boss, but also a friend. I revealed various aspects of my life to him, and the pains I had to go through in order to be comfortable in my skin. In knowing him for over 2 years, I never felt that I could be openly honest about myself and still receive promotion and acceptance. However, I received the opposite of what was expected. I have been commended and given accolades for my courage and strength. He told me that "today is a new day, and times are changing. It didn't just start with Obama being elected into the Office of the President, but it is a symbol of the changes that are to come."

What's the point, Tamara? The point is that there is no freedom greater than being able to be true. No matter what people think or feel about you, at the end of the day, we only have self. I've said it many times, and I hope that my words help others along the way: "Love yourselves, and find contentment in just being." - T. Allen

Never be afraid to "speak out" on anything that is important to you and your well-being. We only have one life. Live it and live it fully.